Thursday, March 30, 2006

BlankPaige Radio Selection Guide - version 1.1a

Recognising that some bloggers have been influenced in their choice of radio listening by the Blankpaige, I thought it only appropriate that I provide this Radio Selection Guide for your continued listening pleasure. Part one in a six part series now follows.....

5:00 - 7:00 am
Now really if you are listening to the radio at this hour you are either an insomniac or a long distance lorry driver. The former should use this two hour slot to do their blog. The latter should not blog while driving but are strongly advised to pull in somewhere for a breakfast roll. Lorry drivers on an low GI diet should stay in their cabs and listen to the sultry Ann-Marie Kelly on Today FM. Ann-Marie does her best to cultivate a clueless girl jock persona but don’t be fooled by this. She is a broadcasting giant compared with some of the chinless wonders that grace 2FM after midday. She'll put some sauce on your breakfast roll!

7:00 - 9:00 am
You've got the first of many difficult decisions to make. A bit like how do you like your eggs in the morning?
  • Hard Boiled - Morning Ireland (RTE Radio 1)
  • Sunny Side Up - Marty Whelan (2FM),
  • Easy Over - Ian Dempsey (Today FM)
  • Unfertilised - Eamon Dunphy (Newstalk)

If you are generally depressed about the state of the country, I'd suggest that you avoid the RTE1 news heads who try desperately hard to emulate the style of their former big noise David Hanly. Earnest young men and women, they turn even the fluffiest of human interest stories into the Spanish Inquisition (Morning Ireland). If you are not a morning person, I suggest you pick up the Lyric Breakfast until the truckers have digested their heart attack in a bagette.

Those of a depressed nature must listen to Marty Whelan (2FM) to put a spring in your step. But only if you aren't allergic to cheese. You'll come away thinking that maybe your Dad isn't the most embarassing in the world. Ian Dempsey (Today FM) offers a similar low cholesterol diet. Surprisingly his selection of music is more "solid gold" than Marty's. If you've no interest in how many managers Real Madrid have had this week or what Roy Keane thinks about the European Interest rates, I'd avoid Eamon Dunphy (Newstalk).

Your best bet here is to start with RTE1 until the always excellent (since Ms Harney's redeployment) business news has been aired. This does of course force you too listen to the "What it says in the papers" slot but I find this a good time to take a shower. If I want pompous self-opinion, I'll switch instead to the Eamon Dunphy show. There isn't any point tuning into Eamo before 7:30am 'cos he won't have read the papers. I suspect he probably listens to RTE1 slot between 7:00-7:30am. Only give Dunphy half an hour (i.e. one question from Dunphy and one irrelevant answer by Lara Marlowe ; One analysis by John Giles comparing the world's leading soccer managers with some guy called Matt Busby ; A good betting story). You must be switched to Today FM by 8:00am to catch the news and Gift Grub. However, as too much sugar is bad for you, make sure you switch back to RTE1 from 8:30 until 9:00am.

Under no circumstances should you continue listening to Eamon Dunphy wrapping up his radio show. The aural equivalent of watching a car crash, it isn't a pretty sight and runs the severe risk of injury as Orla Barry comes bounding into your consciousness like a nymphomanical deer in heat. She'll just force herself on you and you'll feel violated.

The danger in such switching is that you get to hear a scrambled selection of conflicting news. Penalty points are going to be scraped, doubled or outsourced to the guys who run Dublin clamping services. Interest rates will rise by 3/4 of one percent, fall by a quarter or the European Central Bank will be closed for Thanksgiving. Steve Finnan will have an ankle injury that rules him out of contention for the next 6 days, 3 weeks, 2 years or rest of his career. Salthill Knocknacara will beat the living daylights out of some Antrim, Armagh or American club.

Listening options beyond 9 O'clock will be presented in the next installment.....


Anonymous omaniblog said...

Pure gold, especially the advice to lorry drivers...

The problem with GiftGrub is that it is so unpredictible: when will you get a sketch? when will you have to make do with a few jokes? I really think GiftGrub sketches are inspired and are works of genius. They remind me of Jimmy O'Dea and Kelly in the signalbox at 955pm... (Way before your time.)
However, you have to tune in to find out whether there is going to be a sketch and I find that incredibly annoying. It probably suits Irish men who don't plan...

I hope you are going to do the whole 24 hours. You aren't going to leave us gagging for more are you?

9:39 a.m., March 31, 2006  
Blogger Omaniblog said...

PS I hope you send this to all those radio stations.

What should I listen to next?

10:22 a.m., April 03, 2006  

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