Monday, December 12, 2005


Several of my dinky (Dual Income No Kids Yet) friends have recently announced that they have found themselves to be in the family way. Yeh, like this state of pregnancy has come as a complete surprise. One close friend of mine – who I’d generally credit as being streetwise – announced without irony that she didn’t quite expect it to happen so soon. I couldn’t quite reconcile this amazement with the three-times-a-night-with-new-German-boyfriend situation that she’d confided only 2 months previously. This got me thinking ……

3 times/night x 7 nights/week = 21 times per week

Assuming exaggeration factor of approximately 60%
= 13 times per week

13 times per week x 4 weeks per month = 52 times per month

If 1 ejaculation contains 300 million sperm, they’ve both been highly alcohol-fuelled and he’s German, that leaves a conservative estimate of

Chances of conceiving = 300 million x 45% = 135 million sperm

At one egg per month (we girls are nothing if not biologically economical), that’s 135 million chances per egg per month. How in the name of the sweet lord was she surprised it only took 2 months?

So this leaves me with just two dilemmas.

  1. How do I stay friends with someone who is so biologically altered?
  2. What is a good statement of congratulations that I should use for this and other similar situations?

I was thinking “I hope baby gets your looks and his brains and not the other way around.” Is that too cruel?


Blogger KnackeredKaz said...

Wow that was a bit poisonous wasn't it?! Am I the only one who thinks that?

So she got pregnant, she didn't murder her family!

Jeeeeez Paige, with friends like you....

10:23 a.m., December 13, 2005  
Blogger fdelondras said...

I remember being completely taken aback by a friend telling me she was pregnant (even though she was married for years and years and nearly forty) but quickly got my 'happy pregnancy' face on and congratulated her which resulted in her scowling and saying something along the lines of 'you have the baby then'. SO sometimes it's best to wait and gauge their reaction before launching into the 'oh my god that's fabulous'ness....

12:03 p.m., December 13, 2005  
Blogger Fence said...

Ah, but surely you have forgotten to take into accont the number of fertile days. I doubt anyone is fertile all month long ;)

6:10 p.m., December 13, 2005  
Blogger Paige A Harrison said...

Wasn't meant to be poisonous - I just have a compulsive tendency to exaggerate!

My initial reaction was "Brilliant news, mulchos congrats etc", as I firmly believe that every life created regardless of the circumstances deserves celebration.

What got me was my friend's incredulity that it could happen so soon. All recent conversations with her involved her telling me how she'd finally found a man as oversexed as she and how they get giggy at every turn. Didn't seem to make the obvious connection.

Of course I should have factored in the number of fertile days per menstrual cycle (+ the annualised number of cyles per year)or the fact that her lover is German and hence must be firing a significant number of blanks!

9:33 p.m., December 13, 2005  
Anonymous Sinéad said...

I actually thought it was quite a funny post!

4:44 p.m., December 15, 2005  

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